The Musings of Bek Curtis

The Low High

Posted by on Apr 18, 2014 in Musings | 0 comments

The Low High

I shared this on my personal Facebook page last Easter, and this Easter I’m feeling a little braver, you guys make vulnerability and openness easy, thank you, so I’m sharing it here with you also.

During my drug abuse days, Easter was such a time of deep conviction for me, followed by crippling self-condemnation, because I knew I was not yet willing to move out from under the addiction and into the costly freedom that Christ had paid for me.
Even my very brief, but incredibly destructive drug relapse, happened to fall during Easter.

I would party with my friends and revel in the extra time that we had to get wasted, and then recover.
But my spirit was in turmoil. I could not help but picture the Jesus that had once been so close to me, bleeding, flesh-torn, betrayed, rejected and alone… for ME.
I knew that He had not given up the seat on His throne, humbled himself to become a baby who would grow into a man, change lives and then suffer agony, torment and separation from His Father so that I could get high.

Oh how I abhorred myself at Easter during those dark years! The self-hatred just pushed me to further obliterate myself, hoping that somehow the images of my Christ and the searing guilt they evoked would leave my mind and not come back.

The relief of my first ‘clean’ Easter, is not something I can put into words, it was a sigh that echoed through my body and spirit.

I no longer have to bury myself under a cocktail of mind, body and spirit altering drugs to cover the pain that was once so raw and menacing that it threatened to remain a lifetime. I no longer have to use drugs to escape that heavy burden of guilt, the one that flowed, after trying to cover the pain. Vicious cycle.

Through God’s grace, I was able to step out from that drug fueled lifestyle and become ‘clean’.
However, the real clean came when I once and for all, decided to accept the gifts of mercy, grace, undeserved, unmerited, unconditional love that has left me not only restored and redeemed but also a completely new creation.

Death has lost it’s sting and victory belongs to me through Christ Jesus and His extravagant, immeasurable LOVE!
Thank you Jesus!
-Bek Curtis

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