I’m so tired.
Today has been yuck and messy.
Amid the blah there was brief respite provided by a conversation with my dad… but even then, I faked it a little; laughing when I wanted to cry, playing the fool because ‘backing myself’ seemed a little too committal in my fragile state. I ask you not read that as a reflection on him- it’s not! My dad is great. It’s just that I’m not. Not today.
Today is just hard, and I’m tired.
I’m tired because I know that the word ‘damn’ will offend some people and be far too vanilla for others.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of other people’s crippling expectations.
So much of what I do seems to be inept, or lacking. I’m immersed in a culture of honest, relationship supported feedback, and I love that it builds resilience. Truly I do. But today it just breeds pain.
Today I’m tired of it.
So many people’s opinions of me seem to contradict each other. If I were to paint a picture with their descriptive words, I become merely the abstract concept of a human, open entirely to the viewer’s interpretations. And oh how there are many….
I’m tired of feeling like I don’t fit in; whilst being told I’m part of the cliques.
I’m tired of having my intentions critiqued.
I’m tired of pretending I don’t care when they are.
I’m tired of trying to tone myself down and being told I need to hold a little back.
I’m tired of being told I hold back too much, I care FAR too much, I preempt wrath far too quickly- providing too many disclaimers before I speak.
I apologise too often- stop it!
I don’t apologise enough- be humble!
I’m tired of my vulnerability.
I’m tired of being told I’m fake.
I’m tired of worrying what I can and can’t write anymore. I’ve spent hours talking myself out of posting this- it’s not what a leader should do! It’s too self-pitying, too ‘woe-is-me’, too self-seeking and manipulative. It’s just ‘too much’. Too raw. Shows too much emotional instability.
I’m tired of weighing potential backlash before it even arrives.
I’m tired of trying to manage other people’s perceptions of me- as if that’s a power I possess, or would even want to!
I feel as though I wear a neon sign:
Please comment on my life, my personality- I don’t mind, I welcome it, it makes me stronger. Critique me. Assess me. Analyse me.
And yes, I do recognise the absurdity of delicately placing my thoughts and feelings in a public space and then expecting some kind of reprieve from public opinion…
But public opinion is not my burden today.
My experience in recent years, has been that the internet is a much kinder place than my own reality somedays.
I’m longing for a soft place to fall; somewhere I can read the heart words of another and cry: “YES! Me too, I so very relate. Thank you for articulating what I could not!“. A place where likeminded people band together, punching out un-sacred words we feel cannot be uttered? to the sacred ears around us.
And yet even here, even in this welcoming community of broken people who wield broken words, I am not fully embraced.
I’m just not quite edgy enough, or so I’ve been told.
This past Sunday I had two people, TWO, assume that I was reaching out to them because ‘it was my job’, that my role as a leader required me to do so.
It requires much, but not that.
If I message, call, visit, hug, pray with, cook for, you- it’s because I so very wanted to, not because it is my duty! (*Oh God, please may I never allow a sense of duty to trump authentic connection)
So what am I doing wrong? When did I become someone whose actions seem to portray intentions that lack integrity?
I’m so tired.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep wondering who I’m going to offend as I engage in the process of being me.
I can’t keep pretending that I’m not losing a part of myself with every word I backspace, edit and erase.
I’m so tired.
In another brief conversation that was had today, I was told: “You seem so happy and together, life seems to be going well for you”.
Look, it’s certainly not dire, but today I am certainly not ‘happy’. I simply chose not to vomit my feelings through the phone- not because of me, but out of respect for the human on the other end. They have a life too! Does my consideration for the emotional state of others leave me projecting an air of ‘togetherness’ that’s manufactured?
I am so tired.
This isn’t one of those happy musings that ends with a declaration of carefree-thinking and freedom-filled living. There’s no resolution to be found here today.
This day brings no closure.
Today I’m just tired, and today I can’t care too much about how that may shape your perception of me…
I’m just too tired.