It’s 6:09am and you’ve not slept a wink, nope not even dozed for a minute.
C’mon you remember, it was the coffee.
Ah yes, the coffee. What an unfortunate mix up.
It was after 7 last night and you ordered a half strength latte, knowing a full strength would not end well….
But the pretty young girl who served you, who wouldn’t look you in the eye, the same one who kept looking over your shoulder, standing on her tippy toes to see through to the mirror behind you, the one who ended the transaction with subtle sarcasm, yes her, that one, she messed up your order, meaning you got full strength.
Whilst you weren’t overly impressed at the time, you really didn’t want to make a fuss, you didn’t want to get the preoccupied girl in trouble.
How selfless…. such a martyr. You’re a living saint.
Really? You’re going to try to use that? Be honest with yourself Bek, what really happened?
Ouch, that hurts, doesn’t it? Truth. Vulnerability. It’s ok, acknowledge it…
Yep, you took the coffee that wasn’t yours, because you didn’t want to make a fuss.
You didn’t want to be noticed, you didn’t want to be seen.
You didn’t want to be the fat girl in a coffee shop complaining about her order.
You were worried what the girls behind the counter would say, you were intimidated by the tippy-toe-mirror-girl, you were worried about what the other patrons would think.
You felt ashamed to be in public.
You felt even more ashamed to be in public, ordering a drink.
You ‘heard’ the whisper of voices: “Maybe if she cut back the coffees she’d drop some kilos… I bet she ordered cake too”.
Where does this thinking come from?
Why do you allow it?
How does it line up with the woman who is genuinely happy and comfortable with who she is as a person?
Why are you not worthy to be in public?
Why are you, just because of your excess weight, not worthy of getting the drink you paid for?
I’ve written this to you Bek, but others will read it also. This is a good thing. The world needs more honesty, clearly you do too, it will be worth it, I promise.
To those of you reading this who love me, and who are already mentally composing messages of support telling me I’m beautiful… thank you, I make this assumption because I know most of you, you genuinely adore me. This makes you sad and you want to comfort me.
I genuinely appreciate your heart. BUT, that’s not what this letter is about.
To those reading this who might think I deserve to feel this way because obesity is a choice, I won’t bother defending myself to you, that’s not what this letter is about either.
This is about me taking ownership over my thinking.
This is about me being accountable for my thinking.
This is about me taking every thought captive!
This is about me realising that I am worthy of self-acceptance, self-care, self-love.
This is me sharing a difficult part of that journey with you, to maintain integrity and vulnerability in my ‘warts and all journey’, hoping that it helps propel me forward.
Bek, you spend so much of your time highlighting the value and worth in others, why do you not hold yourself to the same standard?
Are you waiting for a particular number to appear on the scales before you do?
Will you suddenly be ‘worthy’ when that number appears?
Are you waiting for a healthy BMI?
Then what, will the love and acceptance of self just appear?
Do you want such superficial love?
In a short while, your children will wake for the day, they will expect love and patient guidance. This can’t occur when you are parenting on the short fuse of insomnia.
They deserve better.
They deserve a mum who teaches them self worth and then practices it on herself.
You do too.
You’re too good to allow this kind of crap thinking to run rampant through your head.
Lay it down.
Now choose the thoughts you will allow in.
Choose the thoughts you will allow to become actions.
Choose wisely, I’m watching, and you’re so worth it!