The Musings of Bek Curtis

Hey You, The Fat One!

Posted by on Jan 10, 2014 in Musings | 8 comments

Hey You, The Fat One!

Dear Bek,

It’s 6:09am and you’ve not slept a wink, nope not even dozed for a minute.
Why….?
C’mon you remember, it was the coffee.
Ah yes, the coffee. What an unfortunate mix up.
It was after 7 last night and you ordered a half strength latte, knowing a full strength would not end well….
But the pretty young girl who served you, who wouldn’t look you in the eye, the same one who kept looking over your shoulder, standing on her tippy toes to see through to the mirror behind you, the one who ended the transaction with subtle sarcasm, yes her, that one, she messed up your order, meaning you got full strength.

Whilst you weren’t overly impressed at the time, you really didn’t want to make a fuss, you didn’t want to get the preoccupied girl in trouble.
How selfless…. such a martyr. You’re a living saint.

Really? You’re going to try to use that? Be honest with yourself Bek, what really happened?

Ouch, that hurts, doesn’t it? Truth. Vulnerability. It’s ok, acknowledge it…

Yep, you took the coffee that wasn’t yours, because you didn’t want to make a fuss.
You didn’t want to be noticed, you didn’t want to be seen.

You didn’t want to be the fat girl in a coffee shop complaining about her order.

You were worried what the girls behind the counter would say, you were intimidated by the tippy-toe-mirror-girl, you were worried about what the other patrons would think.

You felt ashamed to be in public.

You felt even more ashamed to be in public, ordering a drink.

You ‘heard’ the whisper of voices: “Maybe if she cut back the coffees she’d drop some kilos… I bet she ordered cake too”.

Where does this thinking come from?
Why do you allow it?
How does it line up with the woman who is genuinely happy and comfortable with who she is as a person?
Why are you not worthy to be in public?
Why are you, just because of your excess weight, not worthy of getting the drink you paid for?

I’ve written this to you Bek, but others will read it also. This is a good thing. The world needs more honesty, clearly you do too, it will be worth it, I promise.

To those of you reading this who love me, and who are already mentally composing messages of support telling me I’m beautiful… thank you, I make this assumption because I know most of you, you genuinely adore me. This makes you sad and you want to comfort me.
I genuinely appreciate your heart. BUT, that’s not what this letter is about.
To those reading this who might think I deserve to feel this way because obesity is a choice, I won’t bother defending myself to you, that’s not what this letter is about either.
This is about me taking ownership over my thinking.
This is about me being accountable for my thinking.
This is about me taking every thought captive!
This is about me realising that I am worthy of self-acceptance, self-care, self-love.
This is me sharing a difficult part of that journey with you, to maintain integrity and vulnerability in my ‘warts and all journey’, hoping that it helps propel me forward.

Bek, you spend so much of your time highlighting the value and worth in others, why do you not hold yourself to the same standard?
Are you waiting for a particular number to appear on the scales before you do?
Will you suddenly be ‘worthy’ when that number appears?
Are you waiting for a healthy BMI?
Then what, will the love and acceptance of self just appear?

Do you want such superficial love?

In a short while, your children will wake for the day, they will expect love and patient guidance. This can’t occur when you are parenting on the short fuse of insomnia.
They deserve better.
They deserve a mum who teaches them self worth and then practices it on herself.
You do too.
You’re too good to allow this kind of crap thinking to run rampant through your head.

Lay it down.

Now choose the thoughts you will allow in.
Choose the thoughts you will allow to become actions.
Choose wisely, I’m watching, and you’re so worth it!
Xxx
-Bek Curtis

 

8 Comments

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  1. Murray

    What an honestly raw reflection. This is in my mind the epitome of the positive mantra “petfectly flawed”. I pray that you continue to receive revelation of self perspective from our Creator’s truth that you are a “masterpiece” eph 2:10.
    Love ya Bec!

  2. Mandy Long

    Bek such honest truth, the hardest person to love in life is not the person who killed the small child for no reason, not the uncle that played with his sisters offspring, it is to love oneself. For we are human and judge and hold to ransom our own flaws in harder and deeper ways than anyone ever will – having said that those who truly love us don’t judge us or see these as flaws.

    xx

  3. Jane

    You are right Bek. You’re worth it, and those beautiful children are worth it. We all deserve to respect ourselves. Thank you for your honesty.

  4. Sam

    Vulnerability and truth – what a powerful and inspiring combo. Thanks for leading the way Bek.

  5. Sarah

    What a great post. I have a few comments for you.

    Firstly, I realise that it’s not the point of your post, but can I say, in entire honesty, that when I met you the other day, I didn’t for a second think that you were fat or even overweight. I walked in and my first thought was that you were beautiful, with absolutely stunning hair (and then I spent ages contemplating how you managed to style it so nicely, only to ask and have you tell me that it pretty much looks that fabulous with hardly any effort whatsoever).

    I also had some insecure thoughts of my own on whether I should have worn something nicer, or done something with my hair, since both you and Peta looked so lovely… But I literally had no thought of your weight at all. So I hope you really do realise that no one is judging you as harshly as you judged yourself there. I certainly didn’t, even when looking at you through a strangers’ eyes.

    As to the rest of your post, I really do agree. I spent a lot of my life being very underweight, and yet no matter how skinny I was, I still felt just as insecure and paranoid as you mention feeling above. It’s not the weight that’s the issue. It’s the self confidence, and that’s what matters… So I totally agree with your conclusion. Work on that Bek, not the weight. You deserve it. And as a bonus, there is nothing more attractive than self confidence.

    • Bek Curtis

      Gorgeous Sarah, thank you so much for your beautiful words and for being so open with what you were thinking the day we met.
      I guess that we all have areas of struggle and insecurity, sometimes we just need to let others see our vulnerability.
      Thank you for sharing.

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